Letting Go

I grew up without my birth father in my life. Actually, that's not entirely true...he came in and out a couple of times...when it was convenient for him. Each time, I would do something that didn't meet his expectations and he would decide that being a father wasn't for him. I never really knew what would set him off...sometimes I would make a choice that he didn't agree with or I'd ask too many questions about why he wasn't around very much.

About 6 1/2 years ago, we started talking again. I had just found out I was pregnant with my oldest child and I wanted to know my medical history from his side of the family. We started spending time together but I was always anxious. Would I say or do the wrong thing? Would he get angry and leave again? My stomach was always in knots in the days leading up to our visits and then a few days after. At this point, I had put up a pretty large, thick wall and no amount of his reminiscing about how happy he was when I was born could bring it down. He was always nervous around me too...I could tell. He spent most of our time together talking about himself and what his hopes and dreams had been. At one point he actually told me that he didn't want to spend time with me and my kids because they took my attention away from him. He had never remarried after my mom left and has spent the past 36 years alone. I can see why he's kind of self-centered.

I always envied my friends who had loving relationships with their fathers. I longed for a daddy who would adore me and protect me. I know I have that (and more) in my Heavenly Father, but it doesn't make the sting of rejection from my earthly father any less painful.

Recently, I've finally begun the process of letting go of the little girl dreams I have for a dad. I haven't been spending time with him which seems to be helping.

But, I've noticed the deeper I get into the letting go process, the larger the wall around me gets. I've entered a sort of self-preservation mode where I'm constantly fighting the urge to push even my closest friends and family away. It's funny...the relationship that has caused me so much heartache throughout my life is one of the most difficult I've ever had to walk away from. And then those that are the most dear to me are at the greatest risk of suffering the consequences.

I know this may not be forever and I'm working really hard to pray for him each day. But I also know that it's okay for me to put myself first right now (even though it seems so odd to feel that way). I don't think I'll ever understand how he could walk away from me when I was little...especially now that I have children of my own. I do know in my mind (and it's slowly making it's way to my heart) that this is his issue.

Letting go of what I wish would have been is the only way I can embrace what I have in my life now...relationships with friends and family that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world and a perfect Father who loves me in ways I can't even begin to imagine.

N's First Blog Post

My oldest son, N, competed in the AWANA Grand Prix today (a car race where the AWANA kids bring cars they made and designed. This is a post of his experience:

I made a car that was in last place three times. I was sad. And it came it third and second too. I was happy. Me and my brother got to play with our friend. I learned that if you want to come in third or second or first, you have to build a small car. I made a Herbie car (from the movie "The Love Bug"). It was a tall car. Mine was the only one that was a Disney theme. I was angry when I didn't get a trophy. Mom and dad said it doesn't matter if you win...it matters if you are having fun. I didn't believe them. But then we ate a hot dog and chips and I was happy again. I will try to do my best again next year.

The Biggest Loser....Week 2

This week has been a little easier. My cravings aren't as bad and after seeing some pretty decent results last week, I felt more excited about reaching my goal. It also helps that I've got two young children who are loving playing the part of Food Police each time I enter the kitchen.

I was able to work out five out of seven days this week and it's felt great. I even tried the Step Class offered at my gym this morning (VERY EARLY). I used to religiously attend a Mon/Wed/Fri step class back BK (before kids) in my early married years. I've had some decent dance experience through the years because of being so involved in theatre, so those types of classes have always been pretty easy for me to pick up. Today I entered a sort of Exercise Twilight Zone.

My mind knew what the perky, adorable instructor was saying, but somehow my body seemed to be at least five beats behind. In the first five minutes of class I managed to trip over the step, face the wrong way each time the class ended up facing my direction and nearly kick the woman standing in front of me. It was so helpful, though, when the grandmother of three standing next to me kept LOUDLY whispering..."Don't worry dear, you'll get it soon. Look at me." I wanted to kick her, but then realized that she could recognize me...I did do the greeting and announcements at church this last weekend after all.

As I progressed, I started getting the hang of it. I was looking good, okay, I'm starting to represent...then I actually caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...hair sticking out, heaving in oxygen and a face the color of Ronald McDonald's nose (who, by the way, is evil!!! I curse all fast food cheeseburgers and fries...especially the really greasy ones that sound SO GOOD right now).

The petite blonde machine....um I mean, instructor, is singing out our instructions and decides we're ready to add on to what she's already taught us....but I FINALLY figured out what we were just doing. Then I realize...she is actually Satan in a Nike hat and size 0 pants.

The workout actually did end well and I'm really looking forward to my next chance at humiliation...um I mean, fitness, next Monday morning....until then, I'll be doing my cardio and weights, alternating with my Cardio Dance DVD.

The Biggest Loser

When I was younger, I never really had to struggle with my weight. I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted and not worry about it going straight to my hips or my butt. There were times when I had to watch what I ate because I was working toward looking really fit for something (a role in a show, my wedding, my 10-year High School Reunion) but I really only had to focus on changing my eating habits for a couple of weeks and the weight seemed to come off pretty easily.

Well, my friends...that time has come to an end. It actually came to an end about two years ago (I've just been in denial)...when I quit nursing my youngest. The combination of snacking all the time with two little boys, not making time to go to the gym because I was too exhausted and entering my late 30s caused my metabolism to come to a screeching halt.

Then, my dear friend Lori, came up with a plan. Offer the chance to participate in a friendly, local version of "The Biggest Loser." We've got a group of people involved that are commited to changing their eating and exercise habits not only to lose a few pounds but to live a healthier life. I love that. (The money that we could win isn't a bad motivator either). We started last week and I have to admit, there are times that I HATE not being able to eat whatever I want. It's definitely been a learning experience. I never realized how many times I snacked on crackers while putting away the snacks my boys didn't finish......or how many times I eat because I'm bored....or how many times I eat because someone else is.

I'm definitely a social eater. I love to get together with friends over really good food. My hubby bought me "The Biggest Loser Cookbook" for Christmas and we've discovered some new recipes that are not only low in fat and calories but VERY yummy and filling. So...if you'd like to come over and sample my new culinary skillz, give me a call.

Here's a recap of my week:
Day 1: Followed my 1500 calorie a day diet and sent in my starting weight...boy was that a wake-up call!
Day 2: Worked out to my Crunch Cardio Dance DVD...I love it...lots of dance so it seems like it's more fun than working out...and boy do I work up a sweat. My boys call it my "booty shaking video". Still eating well.
Day 3: Played tag and raced with the kids for 40 minutes. Still eating well.
Day 4: Worked out at the gym at 5:30 am. Took care of a sick little one. Still eating well.
Day 5: No workout today...hubby is home sick, so I took the boys to run errands with me which, I think, qualifies as a workout.
Day 6: Went to the gym. Still eating well.
Day 7: Went to the gym at 5:30am. Took the boys to Costco and bought some super yummy multi-grain, no fat waffles. As I was making room for them in the freezer, I stumbled upon a pint of Cold Stone Coffee Lovers Ice Cream. I caved and ate the rest...which was only about one cup, but I felt so badly about it that I chased it down with 2 Hershey's Kisses and my son's leftover slice of Costco Pepperoni pizza.
Today: Got my behind out of bed at 6:30 and did my Cardio Dance DVD. So far so good in the food department.

Please pray that my desire to be fit and healthy outweighs my desire for chocolate! I'm so excited to feel stronger and healthier!!!