Who Am I, Anyway...

That's a line from a song in the musical, "A Chorus Line." I did that show when I was a senior in high school and we all loved the portion of the opening number where one of the characters steps forward, singing "Who am I anyway, am I my resume, that is a picture of a person I don't know..." I remember really identifying with that back then and things have seemed to be that way again for me. I've had a job since I was 14. I've always worked and, like many people, my jobs (especially those after college) have helped to define who I am. Now I don't work...outside of the home (working inside is much more difficult...I'm sure I'll have more posts on that later). I used to be the Director of Creative Arts. Now I'm not.

I know that the decision to leave my job is exactly what needed to be done for my family. God had been gently nudging me toward this decision for nearly a year, but I fought him. The truth is, I think I was afraid to let go of it because it's such a huge part of who I am. But that's not always a good thing. I was too caught up in what I wanted for myself instead of what He wanted for me and my family.

Two weeks ago, our pastor asked us a question...are we more interested in impressing or impacting. I think he was looking directly at me when he asked it. Seriously...do you ever sit in those sermons where the Word smacks you right in the face, taking your breath away?

I'll admit it...a small piece of why I liked my job was because I got to be visible. My ego did sometimes get in the way. I worked so hard not to allow that to happen, but I don't think I'd be completely honest if I said it never did. But I also loved (and felt like I would burst) when people would use their gifts to draw others closer to Him. I loved being a part of the creative process and thinking strategically about different ways to help draw people closer to God in Worship through the use of the arts.

But I have now entered a different season. I get to stay home with my kids. My husband works-very hard-so I can do that. I am so thankful for him and his willingness to allow me to figure out on my own what was best for our family. I don't want this to come across as complaining...I am so thankful for my children and that I get to stay home with them, but I'm struggling with who I am now. When people ask me what I do, I find myself telling them, "well, I used to be the Creative Arts Director for my church, but I just quit so I can stay home with my kids." Why do I feel the need to justify and qualify my decision? I think part of it is our culture...people don't really see staying at home as work (I know this is a gross generalization, but you know what I mean). I also think that I want people to know that I'm more than a mom. But why is that? Being a mother is a God-given gift and shouldn't I be honored to be able to do this?

So...who am I? I'm not sure yet. I know that God understands my frustration. I know that he has my heart in His hand and wants what is best for me. I just need to learn to TRUST His timing. It seems so easy, doesn't it? I want to go into each day thanking Him for all He has done for me...all He has given me. I know how blessed I am. I want to live a life that glorifies Him. I know that through all of that, I'll figure out who I am. I'm SLOWLY learning that as I learn to let go of my wants and desires, the "holes" left behind can be filled up with God's grace.

Relay for Life

As most of you know, my dear friend Lori has a little girl waiting for her in Heaven because of cancer. I was just having dinner with her last night and told her that now that I've been exposed to her cancer community (families who have also been affected by cancer), I am literally awestruck at how amazing these families truly are. I find myself asking God why he would allow this to happen to such strong, graceful families...but I find the answer within my question...their strength and God's grace are the only things that can get them through. Lori told me that it's not really a choice. Nobody asks for their child to get cancer, but the majority of parents who have to watch their babies fight this hateful disease exhibit such strength and grace simply because there is no other option. I still think she and her husband are amazing and such beautiful examples to all of us.

Lori and our friend Becci, assembled a team of their friends and family to participate in the Lake Oswego Relay for Life back in July...our team, Walking with Angels, walked in memory of Lori's precious Lillian and Becci's mom (who lost her battle with breast cancer) as well as a long list of others-adults and children-who were battling or had battled cancer (our angels on earth and in heaven). Because of your generosity, as well as people attending the relay, we were able to raise the most money out of any of the teams there. We also won the Spirit Award, because, well...do I even have to explain?

Anyway, Lori has set up a way for us to start fundraising now and you don't even have to buy anything that you normally wouldn't. Here's the scoop (shamelessly taken directly from Lori's blog):

I have a great fundraiser for Relay for Life...and it won't cost you a cent. (Yep, already starting the fundraising train for next year!) If you sign up for free with iGive and select "Walking with Angels - Relay for Life" as your cause, everytime you shop at one of the participating online stores, a portion of your purchase price will automatically be donated to Relay for Life. And we're talking GREAT stores like iTunes, Baby Gap, Delta Airlines, Eddie Bauer, Home Depot, Nordstrom, Overstock.com, REI, Target and hundreds more! So please, sign up and select Walking with Angels as your cause. And just think, now you have an excuse to go shopping online (as if you really needed one).

Happy Shopping everyone!!!

A Week Filled With Firsts

We've had plenty of firsts this past week. It's been exciting, overwhelming and exhausting. I'm entering a new season of life and although the changes can be exciting, they are also unsettling.

When I first began hearing whispers from God that it might be time to step down from my position as the Creative Arts Director of my church, I didn't want to listen. I was sure He was just giving me a suggestion (why do so many of our "conversations" start out that way???) I fought it for nearly a year, but finally realized it was what needed to happen for me to be the mom and wife he wanted me to be while I was on vacation in late May/early June. My last day as a staff member at Village was August 31st. I've never not worked outside of the home and I've already been exposed to the questions that I'm sure will tempt me to make some snarky remark almost constantly "So, do you just stay home with your kids or do you work too?" I'd love to have these people over for just one day and allow them to "just stay home with my kids"...I'm sure after 20 minutes they'd be begging to get back to their real jobs. Last week was my FIRST week at home with my kids full-time. I'm sure this new change will inspire many blog posts in the future.


As I said in my last post, my oldest started his FIRST day of school.

I still can't believe it. He's loving it and making new friends each day. When he discovered that a few of his friends ride the bus to school, he begged us to let him do it too. So, on Friday, my baby boy got onto the HUGE school bus. I thought I was done crying that week, but watching my sweet little one get on to that huge bus with such confidence just about did me in. It didn't help that his video of choice that very morning was a compilation of videos we made of him while he was an infant. All I could think of was the first time we had brought him home and how much joy has been added to our lives from the moment God added him to our family. My oldest also had his FIRST soccer game yesterday (yep, I'm officially a soccer mom).

It was such fun watching those little ones kick and chase the ball. The coaches are so patient and kind with the kids...their number one rule is for them to have fun and the kids definitely did. One of my favorite moments of the game was when the coach made a substition to allow a player on the bench to get some playing time. Once she ran onto the field and joined the other two players-my son was one of them-they had a mini conference, allowing the other team to score a goal. I love that they are more interested in having fun than winning.

We've got one more first coming up this week...my youngest will have his FIRST day of preschool.

Did I mention that this is a season full of change? He's really looking forward to being at "big boy school." And I am too (I think...). All of this change has definitely kept me busy. I remember talking to a dear friend of mine late last spring. She has two children (one in middle school and one in elementary). I told her I was really looking forward to both of my kids being in school because then I'd have so much more time. She smiled a kind but "you have no idea what you just said" smile and told me that I'd be busier once they were in school. I remember thinking that there was no way that could be true. Boy was I wrong! With volunteering for the PTO, fundraisers for our new school, activity schedules and two completely different school schedules (morning preschool and afternoon kindergarten) I'm thinking she knew what she was talking about!

I'm really looking forward to seeing what this new season holds. But, I'm also nervous. I'm not great at handling change and trusting God (even though I know I should) with the unknown (my unknown-not His). I hope I can slow down enough to truly enjoy every moment that He's given me to be a mom & wife, while allowing Him to mold me into what He wants me to be. Sometimes it seems to overwhelming, but then I remember...I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Gosh that sounds so easy when I write it down like that...I'm praying that scripture will remain close to my mind and heart in the coming months.

First Day of School

Today was my oldest's first day of Kindergarten. He's been in preschool for the past two years, being taught by a close family friend. Someone we knew would teach him how much God loves him...someone who loves him and knew him from the moment he was born.

I wasn't sure how I'd respond today. I mean, I felt pretty good these past few weeks. My sweet boy loves to learn and was so excited to be starting Kindergarten. We live within walking distance of our school, so he and his brother rode their bikes while his dad and I walked behind them. I was doing fine until we had parked the bike and he started up the walk to the school. He looked so small against the huge entry doors. But he was so confident walking through the halls to his classroom.

As soon as he walked in and let his teacher know he was there, he ran over to us and gave us a hug and a kiss..."goodbye mommy, I love you. I'll miss you while I'm at school, but don't worry about me...God always protects me." And I have to trust that's true, because I won't be able to protect him the way I used to. I have to not only trust God, but I have to trust his teachers to care for him and protect him too. I thought I was fine with that, but I'm struggling. Not with how the teachers will teach him, but how the world will begin educating him. That people can be mean sometimes...and a few will judge someone by their appearance. That sometimes people who we thought were our friends, weren't really our friends at all and that we have to continue to trust people in spite of that. That not everyone believes in God and he'll be made fun of because he does. I know that Kindergarten won't be the place where he learns all of life's hard lessons, but this is his first true exposure to the world...and a true test of my faith in the One who created him. And I am forced to remember that he isn't really mine, but God's...and I've been entrusted with the awesome and humbling responsibility of being his mom.

When I Grow Up...

My 3-year-old just announced to us:

"When I grow up, I wanna be a spy. Not the robot kind, but the regular kind...that wears black pants."

He's now trying to talk us into buying him some black pants.

SpamALOT

Last night I had one of the best girls nights EVER!!! I got to spend it with three of my closest girlfriends. I love girls nights and I think I'm going to need them now more then ever...now that my title has become only one..."Mom". We started off the evening at Mazatlan for some yummy food, then headed to the Keller for a performance of "Spamalot". Our friend, Lori, so generously treated us to the show last night. I'm telling you, so has one of the most pure, genuine hearts of anyone I've ever met. After the show, we went to a restaurant at the Shilo Inn on Canyon Rd for some good ole' fashioned karaoke. Oh yeah, it was fun...and they were so sweet even though I totally mutilated one part of the song I sang. And my friend Becci...what a voice. Amazing! I'd never heard her sing before, not like that. We are now BFF's with Gene...the guy who runs the karaoke night...he was lovin' all over us after he heard Becci's pipes. We didn't get to stay there very long because I was scheduled to give my testimony at a High School worship overnighter at my church. It was AMAZING seeing the kids in worship...no inhibitions-just pure worship. The worship leaders led in English and Spanish, the bands played with such passion...it was truly beautiful. And my dear, sweet friends-even though they could have gone and done anything else-stayed to support me as I told the kids about how God has changed my life. That's what I love so much about my friends...we can be completely silly one minute and then be pouring our hearts out to each other the next. They chose to stay and hear me tell a story that they've heard a million times...don't get me wrong, I know it's because anytime we get to hear about the amazing miracles God performs in an average person's life, it can literally blow you away. But they chose to stay because they're my friends and they knew I was nervous.

I love that God has given me such true, pure friendships. I love that He allows me opportunities to tell other people about all of the things He has done for me...despite how ugly and selfish some of my past choices have been.