The Audience of One

I love doing live theater. It's been a while...with the responsibilities of being a wife and mother to two young children, I just haven't been able to be a part of very many productions over the past few years. There was a time when I was doing at least five shows a year. Back-to-backs, they're called...just when I'd finish rehearsals and start weekend performances in one show, I'd start rehearsals on the next the following week. I loved what it did for me. I craved the applause and the attention I'd receive from audience members in the lobby when the show was over. I loved that they laughed when I was funny and cried when I was heartbroken. You see, I was longing for something to fill up the emptiness that consumed my heart and I thought that theatre would do it for me. But...the audience doesn't follow you home and laugh and cry with you. No, they just love the make-believe character you created that was provided with just the right things to say at just the right times. I thought theatre would fulfill my longings. But, that was before. Before the Father I had never been willing to give my heart to comforted me during a time in my life when I needed someone, ANYONE to heal my broken heart. My one true Father had never abandoned me and thought I was perfect...I didn't always have to know what to say or how to act. I could just let Him work through me. And that longing I'd been feeling? Gone. He was what I had been longing for, but I had refused to let Him in. I didn't trust Him and didn't want to let myself believe that what He said was and is true.

Now, when I do a show, I still love the feeling I get when I'm in the rehearsal process...taking a character that is on a flat piece of paper and creating a three-dimensional (make-believe) person. I'll admit, the applause, laughter and tears are still pretty great too, but not like they used to be. I don't crave them anymore. I don't need them. I've finally realized that the only audience that matters is the audience of One. As long as I'm working to glorify Him, everything else falls into place.

God is in Control

Here's an update that I received from Lori today (via email) about Lillian's progress. Please continue to pray for Lillian, Jeff and Lori as they have a really long road ahead. They say that your prayers are helping to sustain and encourage them through this time. God's hand has been so clearly evident at every turn.

What's been happening:
* 9/7 - Lillian shows signs of dizziness when she stands up
*9/17 - Lillian begins vomitting each morning and needs assistance to steady her when walking
*9/28 - Dr. diagnoses acid reflux and prescribes pepcid (which she hates)
*10/3 - Back in to the Dr. with a written summary of symptoms. He requests an MRI.
*10/6 - Scheduled for the MRI at OHSU at 7am. 10 minutes into the MRI, the Dr tells us Lillian has a brain tumor. After another 45 min to complete the MRI, we are reunited with Lillian as the doctors review the immediate course of action. We walk over to Doernbechers PICU where they immediately place an EVD in Lillian's head. This is a drain for spinal fluid which the tumor had been blocking the flow of. She later has another MRI, this time of her spine which shows no additional tumors.

*10/7 - At 8am Lillian undergoes 5 hours of surgery to remove the tumor. Surgery is reported to be a success as a follow up MRI shows no traces of the tumor remain.
*10/11 - Someone tells us about a report showing that the worst place to get sleep is a hospital ICU and we couldn't agree more. We are thankful when her EVD is removed and we are moved out of the PICU.
*10/13 - Friday the 13th and we are moving again. This time to inpatient rehab at Emmanuel which will be our home for the next 1-2 weeks. Lillian and I get our first ambulance ride as Jeff follows behind.

What's going to be happening:
*We're waiting for the pathology report on her tumor to determine the chemo plan. (They don't do radiation on kids this young.)
*Lillian has 1 1/2 hours of physical therapy, 1 1/2 hours of occupational therapy and 1 hour of speech therapy everyday. (It's really just playing with toys and reading books.)
*And most important, Lillian turns 2 tomorrow! (10/16)

How we're doing:
*Lillian's right arm is still weaker than her left, but is improving daily.
*Surprisingly, the majority of her pain is due to gas and constipation. I'll spare you further details but we seem to be making some progress at getting this under control.
*Jeff and I are getting more sleep as the interruptions become less frequent. We can't wait to go home with our little girl.

Prayer requests:
*Please pray that Lillian's rehab is speedy and fun. We want her to be as strong as possible before the chemo.
*Please pray that we all get enough rest so that we can be strong and patient for the long road ahead. Thank you all for your prayers and best wishes.

God is Good

Praise God! The surgeons were able to remove Lillian's tumor completely on Saturday. The surgery was expected to take 5-7 hours, but was finished in 4 (something the surgeons were very happy about). Lillian was looking great when I saw her on Sunday morning. She was still pretty groggy, but had eaten some yogurt and perked up when she saw her grandpa. She was able to say an entire sentence..."look mommy, it's my grandpa" while I was there, something she hadn't done since her surgery. Children are so resilient. She's going to be in the hospital for a few more days then she'll be allowed to go home to regain her strength. She'll be starting chemo early next week (the tumor was malignant). Please pray that God keeps her strong & healthy and that she'll not have a relapse. Thank you so much for your prayers so far...Lillian's parents said they have been feeling them.

It Just Doesn't Seem Fair

So, yesterday I get a call from a good friend of mine. We're supposed to go see "Sweet Charity" together tonight, but she says she can't make it. Her precious two-year-old little girl has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor. She's having it operated on right now. I went to visit last night and I felt so helpless. I mean, what do you say to someone who is looking at their sweet baby, knowing that they'll have to trust a surgeon's hands to peform perfectly? How do you console someone who will have to sit by and watch their child go through chemo? I don't know. I did the only thing that I could do...we prayed and cried together. I know God has a plan for each of us, his creations. But, I don't think I'll ever understand how a child can be allowed to suffer like this. Please pray for my friends. Pray that they would take their fears to God and trust His answer to their prayers. Pray that their sweet baby girl, Lillian, will come out of this stronger than she was before and that she'll endure the surgery and chemotherapy well. And pray that we all trust God's plan during this time.